I Have A Little Confession To Make

Monday night, September 17th, I called our agency and left a message for the director to PLEASE CALL ME! I have been growing more and more anxious about this process and the amount of time it has taken to get our referral. Not that it has been SOOOO long....believe me, lots of people would KILL for a 5-6 month wait. But in relation to the amount of time we were told we should have to wait, I was beginning to worry. Paranoia and I are friends, what can I say? Even C has been showing signs of anxiety and worry - are we "good enough," "healthy enough," "not too fat," "financially stable enough," "family oriented enough," "educated enough," heck, the list goes on and on. When you already know that Mother Nature doubted your parenting skills, it makes you afraid that the rest of the Universe feels the same way. So, long story longer, I called and told them I really wanted to talk and I would appreciate a call back THAT NIGHT, thank you very much! (I did not think I could wait another day not knowing ANYTHING!) Of course, we didn't get a call.



The next day at work, while scarfing down some leftover Spicy Shrimp & Chicken Pasta from a yummy place we love to eat, I opened email and saw this, which had been received at 1 am our time:



Hi Melonie-
Just wanted to let you know that your documents have been forwarded to the St. Lucy Center for their review and approval. They have matched you to a healthy infant boy. The adoption coordinator has reviewed the documents and pre-approved them. Now they go on to the Supervisor for her review and approval, The approval process could take 1-2 weeks.
We look forward to updating you as soon as we have more information to share.
Please let me know if you have any questions!
-Laura





So do you reckon I was excited?????? This was around 1'ish and I was freaking out (and trying not to show it to my coworkers!) knowing I had to wait until C called me at 3:30 to tell him. (He can't receive calls at work so I have to wait until he gets home and calls me usually.) Anyway, for some reason he got a break at work and called me at 2:30 and when he said, "Hey" all I could say back was, "We've got a baby!" His response, if I remember correctly, was "Huh?" So I said it again, "We've got a baby!" I had to go on to tell him that it wasn't definite and we had no details except it's a BOY and it is still in the process of being approved. BUT IT WAS THE SINGLE BEST EMAIL OF MY LIFE SO FAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



At home we discussed whether or not to tell anyone. After all, we don't really know anything yet. We still have to get the final approval of the orphanage Supervisor. What if something happens and for whatever reason SHE HATES US??????????????? This process is terrifying....and it causes you to have so much self-doubt and confusion and feelings of inadequacy and well......it makes you so AFRAID to share any good news for fear that SOMETHING is going to happen and rip that happy thing away from you. C's feeling was not to tell anyone anything. He said we can wait the 1-2 weeks until the referral comes and then send the info. to the adoption doctor as planned and then when the doc gives the thumbs-up, THEN AND ONLY THEN can we tell anyone anything. (We have always agreed on the "not telling til the adoption doc reviews the health info.")



Ugh.....BUT WHAT ABOUT MY MAMA??????????????? My Mom has been so excited and asks for an update even when she knows we haven't heard ANYTHING. The poor woman can't help herself. And I've sworn a million zillion trillion times that if I hear ANYTHING I would tell her. How could I not tell her THIS?????



C and I reached an agreement. We would tell our parents that we got an update which indicates that our documents are in Taiwan and we think we'll have our referral within a month. That way, if it takes 2 weeks to get final approval and a week or so to get the doctor's Okie-Dokie, then we should be able to tell them and SHOW THEM A PICTURE within a month. I know this is somewhat misleading...I feel bad about it, too!! I want to tell them "It's a boy!!" I desperately want to say those words to my parents, I do, but I can't bring myself to do it until I KNOW it....and until I know it is DEFINITE. I'm just sooooo scared that something will go wrong. And I can't bear the thoughts of telling them and then having to tell them "we weren't approved....we aren't good enough."



OK, so today is Wed. the 19th and on the way home from work I stopped by and told them. Not everything....just that the documents are in Taiwan and we should hear something within a month. No more and no less. Ugh....I feel so guilty for the "untruth" of it......



I also swore Mom and Dad to COMPLETE AND TOTAL SECRECY.....I don't even want anyone else to know that we are this close. I am utterly terrified that it won't happen. I desperately want to tell at least my bestest cyber-friend (shout out to A!!!) and I'm trying to talk C into letting me tell her, but for now I'm only putting it here....in the blog....which I will save as a draft and not post until I have A MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT to post with it. But I wanted to get the story down and my feelings and say that I WANT TO TELL YOU ALL, I really do.....but my heart is guarded against the heartbreak of ever having to tell you I was wrong and this wasn't our little guy. I don't want to have to say that to you.



So forgive me, blog readers for this. And please try to understand. While I would love to tell you and ask for your prayers, I am still worried and afraid that it's just too good to be true.

ETA: Published 9/26/07, 7:58 pm I'm not sure how to move it to the right day...I'm not exactly blogger-savvy!